The End of the Road…
Sad but true, I’ve pretty much accepted the fact that I am headed home. Not that home is a bad thing, of course. In fact, home is awesome – and not just because of the amazing Nasi Lemak.
The truth is, there really isn’t anything left here for me. I feel like I’m wasting my time when no one really needs me here (and this includes the economy and the government). Sure, I love my experiences and lifestyle here and would love to stay but the sad fact is that I can’t and I can’t help but feel a bit bitter that it all has to end. But I’m not all that bummed about going home either because there are sides to the US that I don’t like as well.
I don’t want to say that I feel a bit… *cough*… emo… but I do. My life didn’t go according to my “plan” and now I don’t even have a proper one. I just wish I did more things the right way. Or just did more in general (but everything and anything can be said when looking in retrospect). And now that time is running out, I feel like I should be doing more. Especially the things I haven’t done – like go to San Diego or Mexico or Canada. Or a water park. Or to the Tutankhamun Exhibit that’s going on at the DeYoung Museum in San Francisco at the moment.
I really feel like I’ve waste a lot of time and opportunities. Though I know I shouldn’t. And I have been pretty lucky and had some amazing experiences here that I would never have been able to anywhere else (Tori Amos live – enough said) and I would never trade them in for anything. Sure, it would be different adjusting to a limited exposure to live music and the culture again, but in time I’m sure I’ll get used to it again. Still, can’t help but wish I had done things differently so that I would’ve been able to prolong my stay. But really, what’s the point of mulling over it now. Just gotta look forward and take life one step at a time, no?
6 Comments:
one step at a time is the only way to do it. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned about planning out one’s life, is that you can’t. We mortals are neither clairvoyant nor prescient. The future will always remain enigmatic to even the most erudite of the inner workings of life. As of such, all we can do is to give and hope for the best. And you have been doing a wonderful job doing your best at everything you do.
Cherish what you have; Tori Amos on the piano, Disturbed in person. Moe’s Alley, Travis. Random restaurants in LA, The arch in Saint Louie, Vegas on New Years. Six Flags. Blizzcon. Your volunteering hours, the friends you’ve made. Your academic prowess, THE distinguished international student award, your insightful research. Cherish what you have, and done. Most importantly, be proud. You have every right to be.
You’re not alone in your… “emoticity”. When you are gone, you will be greatly missed. There are those of us that dread your departure as much as you do. Those of us who’s lives you’ve touched and thus transformed. Those of us with whom you’ve forged some of the fondest memories that we have.
I wish you the best with your life back home, and even more so, I wish you the best enjoying your remaining time here.
You will be so very missed.
Lol. Only you and Adele would measure your experiences by the concerts you’ve attended.
Have you 100% made up your mind or are you prepared to stay should something pop up? It’s the curse of the international student to be permanently not 100% satisfied I think. I always wonder what would my life be like if I went home after I graduated. And you’ll wonder what your life would be like if you stayed here.
Regardless I think you’ll be happy.
Fei > I can see those GRE prep words coming in handy. I don’t know if I can say I can be “proud” of what I’ve done here… I mean, I didn’t really do anything. And I certainly didn’t accomplish what I wanted, so in a way, I kind of feel like I failed. Anyways, thanks for the well wishes.
Tilia > What else would I measure my experiences by? That’s the only (and best!) reason to stay here!… Okay, probably exaggerating but it’s one of the very few things that is absolutely unavailable back home. I suppose if something came up, I would love to stay, but at this point… let’s just say it’s going more in the direction of Malaysia. Not saying I won’t be happy there, of course… but you know how it is – we get comfy here and it’s difficult to think about leaving. My recipe for happiness will be to eat my brains (otak-otak) out.
http://sinlee.com/2009/10/29/daily-tidbit-13-baked-otak-otak-brains-for-halloween/
The internet connection and the weather in Msia can and will make you QQ
Nah, GRE words are imaginary ones like antidisestablishmentarianism, and Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
It’s a shame though, you’ve graduated at the peak of our recession, and are leaving just it has ended – and it is officially ended. Jobless claims have dropped for the first time last week, the DJIA finally topped 10,000, consumer spending is actually up. If you weren’t able to accomplish what you wanted, it was because of events outside of your control. Regardless, I would encourage you to keep trying though. Things have and will continue to keep getting better. And you have one of the finest resume’s our university has to offer.
You’re not wasting your time and I really need you here.
That being said, I know exactly how you feel having been in your place a few months ago. And I’m so sorry. It’s not a happy feeling. It’s really just confusion, guilt, being torn between two places, and basically just wondering if such a crucial step will hold your life back forever (cos let’s face it, if we leave now, how else are we going to able to migrate to the US?)
Home offers that comfort and having family close is never a bad thing. I do think, though, that you should at least give yourself an option. Take the GREs (it lasts for 5 years, why not? And it’ll be cheaper to take here than back home) and apply to some grad schools, see what you get into. At least when it comes close to making that decision, you’ll have a real option. Whatever you chose then should be whatever you desire and what you think is right for yourself. That’s what I told myself when I was so tempted to go back home to the comfort zone.
Good luck in your decision, and whatever happens, it’s your life and I’ll support you 100%! Rebel Recyclers forever!